please punch me in the throat
2003-11-19 @ 11:46 p.m.

note to self-- when you are already feeling depressed don't decide to start reading the Bell Jar. When the mental breakdown of someone else seems completely rational...well, maybe that's not a great thing. Yesterday was fucking horrible on the eating front. My sister was doing some school project last night so i couldn't get online to update. Honestly, I was kind of glad because i hate chronicalling my fuck-ups. but that's idiotic to skip over the bad shit and only write the good. so here it goes...a list of all the shit i had to eat yesterday

2 slim jims

several pieces of cheddar cheese

4 deviled eggs

meatloaf

snickers.

i don't know what happened. it's like something in me gave way and i started to binge. i tend to think of days being the primary units of time and if I fuck up once in a day i feel the entire day is shot and give up. that's the fatty logic that has been by downfall. If i fuckup i just need to acknowledge it and move on.

I don't know where my inspirado went. Before I left for my week-long trip I was so motivated....i don't know where it all went. sometimes it's so easy for me to stay on track..i've got my eyes of the prize or whatever. other times i really don't give a fuck. what's wrong with me? i just need someone to give me a kick in the crotch. what's scary is that usually after i fuckup I feel terrible and that drives me to do better...now i'm still feeling kind of indifferent. hopefully i'll cut that shit out...because i'm making it to 30 pounds soon. even if i have to cut off an arm.

78