Navigate Here

Still Here
2007-05-07 @ 8:36 p.m.

So I was so desperate to update my journal tonight that I actually upgraded to Gold membership. But apparently they need time to process the request and since the servers are down, I�ll just type this out and post later. I guess it�s kind of weird that I�m so concerned with updating since it�s been the better part of the year since my last entry. I don�t know, I�ve told myself that I�m going to start taking better care of myself starting tomorrow and I just felt the need to document it. I think this diary is part of the reason I was able to lose so much weight in the past. It gave me an outlet to discuss my issues with food rather than just obsessing about it in my mind. I mean, even if nobody reads this crap, I still have to think about what I�m writing�and that process was really cathartic.

I�ve been going nuts in the two years since I lost my weight and gained a lot back. Seriously. There probably hasn�t been a single minute where I haven�t been thinking about food�worried about eating, looking forward to eating, etc. Not healthy. And frankly I�m exhausted. I�m so tired of devoting all my energy to this. And something else�I�m afraid this preoccupation has actually made me into less of a person. If I just could use the part of my brain I�m currently using to obsess over food for a different purpose�I think I could really become a better person. Before I wanted to lose weight mainly to look good, prove to others that I could do it, and improve the quality of my life, etc. I still want those things, but what I want even more than all of the above is to gain control of my problem. I know this will always be a life long struggle with me, and I�ve come to terms with that. But I at least want to feel like I have the willpower to overcome the day-to-day temptations that I face. Well, I think that�s more than enough for tonight. Tomorrow: take a walk after work and rejoin weight watchers for the 5th time.

78

Pounds lost: 54.5
Next goal: By July 4th: 75

LaneBryant
I am a fat, loserly spinster who lives in a van down by the river.


Buddies
ohromy


rings


Last Five:
Bratworst - 2007-05-14
Saying No to Frito-Lay - 2007-05-10
Adding to my collection of Weight Watchers startup kits - 2007-05-08
Still Here - 2007-05-07
Y M C A! - 2006-07-24