attention all men: you can eat my ass
2003-11-22 @ 12:02 a.m.

tonight was interesting. I saw the boy that i've had a crush on for forever tonight. for the first time in awhile. i'm aware that is this going to sound ulta-lame but....i always had this fantasy where he wouldn't see me until I lost all the weight and looked fabulous. Then of course he would fall in love with me and my life would be perfect. or something. so anyways, i didn't really want to see him tonight (being that i'm still lardass material) but i went anyway. He gave me this huge hug...which normally would have made my year (pathetic). i didn't feel anything. i guess i'm over him. which sucks. i know that crushes only serve to kick you in the nads...but for me they also serve as motivation. I'll find the perfect guy and then i'll want to lose weight....for him (i know that makes me a total tool). so fuck. i need to find another guy to start worshiping from afar.

i know that i'm supposed to want to lose weight for myself and for my health and blah blah blah but let's face it. if brad pitt proposed to my sorry ass today i'd probably not feel the need to walk 3 miles a day.

but now that i think about it..maybe i could use this situation to my advantage. i know this guy likes me. not in THE way that i want him to...but i know he thinks i'm cool. I'll lose the weight...seduce him..and then dump him. i'll proudly walk up to him and say "FUCK YOU! you could have had this shit for years, except you wouldn't date the fat girl" and then i'd walk out and have sex with the first hot guy i saw. yeah. that would teach him. only he probably wouldn't care. sometimes I think that when i lose the weight I would never date anyone who knew me as a fatty. because, that would mean that they weren't interested in me before and since the only thing that changed is my weight that means that's why they wouldn't date me...and that's really shitty so how could i be with anyone like that? ok, i know i'm rambling. but dammit, i hate men. and now i have to think up a new fat fantasy.

i exercised today for 45 minutes. mostly crunches and dancing. i ate pretty well except for i had a tostada at a mexican restaurant and some drinks. i don't feel like calculating the crap tonight.

for once i can honestly say that i don't want a man right now. i'm afraid that i'd subconciously take out all my frustrations on him. and that would be wrong because the guy would probably be a nice guy if he's willing to date a fatty. that is all.

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