i'm back....
2003-10-28 @ 11:31 a.m.

Oh Jesus, I didn't realize it had been that long since my last entry. I sort of had a shitty week last week. Not the kind where I hang out at Pizza Buffets all the time, just the type where I find myself temporarily not caring. It's crazy when you think about how fucking much I want to lose this weight that there can actually be times when I don't care, but it's true. I guess I realized that when I was at a home show this weekend. I find myself wandering up to the food court to buy some of those nuts that are coated in that sugar crap. Not once did I consider how terrible they were for me...It was my sister who stopped me. I asked her If she wanted to share some, and she said "no thanks, those things have tons of fat in them." I felt like such an idiot. I'm supposed to be the one thinking about things like that, not my normal-sized sister.

It's just so fucking scary to think that it takes such a short amount of time for me to lose focus.

Since then I have found some more sources of motivation. I saw a really cute dress in the window of ann taylor that right now I couldn't squeeze my left buttcheek into. And while I was at that home show I got my picture taken with Frank from Trading Spaces....and I looked like fried ass on a stick. The same thing happened when I met lewis black at the daily show-- that picture was so terrible that I hid it in my desk and refused to show anybody. Just once I would like to take a picture and be able to hang it on a wall, instead of stuffing it in my bottom drawer like it was porn.

So I guess that's about it for now. I haven't been able to update at night because a) my sister's computer is a flaming piece of shit and b) she goes to bed at like 11 and the computer is in her room. Once again, it seems like I have to wait to get back home to get back to normal life. at least my sis offered to take me with her to curves today.

God, It really feels good to get back on track. I just have to keep reminding myself that i've lost a crap load of weight (for me anyway) and that even though I have a lot more to lose, I can totally do this. I've already lost more now that I've ever lost on my own.

ok, just one more rant before I close. The thing that really pisses me off about my weight problem is this-- it's probably my biggest personal issue in my life, and it's something that's totally fixable-- but for some reason, I just haven't been able to fix it. I compare it to other things like going blind, or losing a leg-- those things you can't fix on your own. but being fat is the rare problem that you can take of-- and it's really no mystery on how to do it either-- so then why is it so fucking hard? there's no reason why I should be fat. I know what I have to, I just have to do it.

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